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 المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة Muhammad Gad |
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In the contemporary world ( you can replace it by " Recently" ), children face a myriad of challenges where they must (need to) be well educated (off topic) and at the same time get involved in their society. Some people think that the mother and father are responsible for doing that ( “that” refers to two challenges “ well educated and get involved in their society “ where you should refer to the second one only) while others say that the school is the ideal place where students can learn anything ( try to avoid such words, you can add a short sentence instead ) . In this essay, both views will be discussed in more details.
On one hand, the idea that home is the best (place) to teach the little people how to interact with others ( this is not a complete sentence, you can add “ can be deemed as a popular belief for many people) . For example (replace it by “Indeed”), involving them in different occasions is very important as this may help them in talking and discussing their points of views towards many issues in their life. Also,( don’t forget the comma) practicing sports with the family members as well as doing a (remove) volunteering ( you must replace it with the proper adjective voluntary) work with them all of this (remove) will enable them to be good members in the ( replace by “of” )society. In addition to that children spend more time with their parents than others and they consider them as they role model. ( this is not a proper sentence , you can replace it by “ In addition, this situation can help the children to actively interact and learn from their parents as well as to respect them as role models.)
On the other hand, some people argue that classroom is the best environment that will ( can) help students to learn both technical (off topic) and social subjects. Teaching social subjects in the school might urge the children to take that seriously (behave in a better manner ) as they will be evaluated during the course. For instance, teaching a subject such as ethics is very beneficial for anyone (avoid such words and be more specific) as this will explain ( they will be taught) the difference between good and bad and will contain (experience) innumerable cases and actions in actual (real) life. Furthermore, students will be graded through the course and this will give them more motivation and make them eager to get high marks.
(Furthermore, the students will try hardly to improve their social skills and attitudes to get higher marks as they know that they will be graded after the course. )
In summary (informal , you should use In conclusion instead) , through a multi-pronged approach, both views are very valuable for students. However, in many developed countries, (replace by “I think that” , you should avoid introducing new concepts in the conclusion “ developed countries” ) both school and home sharing (share) the responsibility in (of) teaching the young children how to read and write (off topic) and at the same time involving social subjects and activities to enrich their personality. (where is your opinion, you should say I believe, I think, etc.)
Finally the approximate scores can be as follows
TR 6
CC 6
LR 6
GRA 5-6
Overall 5.5-6
معذرة على سوء تنسيق الرد وسأحاول لاحقا ان شاء الله بتنظيمه بشكل افضل..
بالتوفيق
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جزاك الله خيرا على وقتك يا هندسة وان شاء الله احاول اتلافى الاخطاء في المقالة القادمة ان شاء الله
ربنا يجعله في ميزان حسناتك
